Let's look a little deeper into RAD and
see what some of the causes and symptoms are. I like Dr. Marcy Axness'
approach when she says she is campaigning to change the name from
Attachment Disorder to something like "Attachment
Deprivation" because it is a failure in the RELATIONSHIP, not
the child.
Causes of RAD (Reactive Attachment
Disorder)
- unwanted pregnancy
- neglect
- inconsistent or inadequate day care
- dramatic prenatal experience (exposure to drugs/alcohol)
- sudden separation from the primary caretaker (illness, death,
hospitalization)
- abuse (physical, emotional, mental, sexual)
- adoption
- frequent moves (foster care, failed adoptions)
Symptoms of Attachment Disorder:
- superficially engaging and charming
- indiscrimately affectionate with strangers
- does not trust caregivers or adults in authority
- does not develop morals; no empathy, remorse or compassion
- resists all efforts to nurture or guide them
- acts out negatives, provoking anger in others
- lies, steals, cheats and manipulates
- destructive, cruel, argumentative and hostile
- extreme control problems
- cruel to animals, siblings
- poor peer relationships and lacks a conscience
- tries to separate adults - gets them into fights - divides them
- engages in hoarding or gorging on food
- has a preoccupation with fire, blood and gore
Children with some of these symptoms could be at risk. If they have half
or more of these symptoms, they usually are RAD to some degree and
would need therapy from a qualified attachment therapist. Don't
waste your time and money with other therapy because it doesn't work. Don't
take your attachment child to an ordinary therapist. Usually this
therapist will take time to try to win the trust of your child and then
will talk to them about their problems. Attachment children DO NOT
trust. That is the main problem. Also, they do not learn from
discussions and talking. Attachment children learn from feeling, doing
and experiencing. They need attachment therapy.
Sometime during our lives, we all cross paths with attachment disordered
individuals. In business, they are the ones having trouble getting along
with others, or they have a desk in the back of the room and don't mingle
with others. Others can sometimes charm us or con us. They might even
shock us with unbelievable cruelty. Very often these individuals grow up
untreated and have no concern for other people. RAD children have
learned early on that the world is unsafe and have developed unhealthy
protective shells
so the outside world cannot pierce it and then they feel safe. They become
their own protectors and as such can turn everyone against them. Without
help, they grow into dysfunctional adults.
RAD people are very controlling. They need to control in order to
feel safe. Usually when they were very little children and could not
control their environment, bad things happened to them. My daughter
Elena is serious attachment disorder. One of her teachers used to tell
me that he would watch Elena's eye movements and body language when she
walked into his classroom. She would pause for a moment or two and look
around the room very carefully and very deliberately. From that moment on
Elena always knew exactly what was going on in any corner of the room at
any moment. That is the only way she felt safe.
Usually attachment individuals have moved around from one institution to
another or one foster home to another or even from relative to relative.
They cannot trust that the same person will be there on any given day to
gratify their needs. They learn not to trust or love and are unable to
attach to anyone, causing them to be very resistant later to attachment if
they are adopted. Trusting is very difficult for RAD children.
Trusting means to love - and loving hurts. They have been hurt too deeply.
Parents adopting children who have experienced abuse, neglect or have been
institutionalized have a long road ahead of them. When these children grow
up and start exhibiting anger and then total rage, it can be quite fearful
to the unsuspecting parents. These children have many layers of anger and
rage, but it is based on fear that they will be abandoned again because
they can't trust and believe deep down that they are not good enough for
someone to love them. Their birth mom gave them away. It is amazing to
hear some of these children tell you that they hoped their Moms could see
them now as adults because then she would know that they didn't turn out
to be such a bad kid. I've heard grown ups talk this way. This little
child inside never leaves. Some of these same teens and adults still want
to find their birth parents to answer questions of why they were given
away. They just want to know.
My daughter Elena had been put in a program that promised me they knew all
about attachment disorder but they grossly misrepresented themselves. I
wasted seven months of her precious life before I had her moved into an
appropriate program. This new program really acknowledges attachment
disorder and in our four months I have seen a real improvement. Elena's
improvement only occurred after the harm of the first program had been
resolved.
I used to talk to my daughter and tell her how much I loved her and that I
was going to be her "Forever Mom" and we were going to
have a wonderful life and so on. Elena usually listened politely and I was
so naive I just didn't know how much I was missing the mark. Talk doesn't
work with Elena because she doesn't trust and doesn't believe she deserve
love. What I learned to do was sneak up on her and tell her something
like, "Elena, I love you so much and I'm so glad you're here with
me" and then I was gone. Another time I might say, "Isn't
it great, I've got you and you've got me?" And then I was gone.
Just little tiny doses of love were all she could handle.
Working with an attachment child is very tough and there is not much
gratification for a long time. Just when you think there is progress, the
rage comes back. Yet, that doesn't' mean there isn't any progress.
Progress inches in and keeps coming as long as we give these children lots
of laughter, love and empathy. Don't let them drag you into an argument.
They want your anger because they handle it better than love. I believe
they have so much anger, turmoil and pain inside that they relate better
to it. For example, Elena came home after getting a C- on a test. She
didn't study and I knew it. She was almost proud when she showed me her
report card and she really wanted me to get mad, why? She deals better
with my anger and then it takes the responsibility for a bad grad off of
her. But I didn't respond with anger. Instead when she showed me her
well-earned C- I simply said, "I'm so sad for you. It must be very
embarrassing getting a grade like that." Then I turned around and
went back to my own life, leaving her to handle her life. Don't give them
anger. That is what they want BUT give them what they really need which is
laughter, love and empathy.
Remember there is always hope. Author Nancy Thomas when asked if
older children could still be helped she enthusiastically answered,
"Oh Yes, as long as they are still breathing - that is the only
requirement." All these children need is the correct therapy -
attachment therapy -- and parents who are willing to learn along with
them.
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